Confessions of Light from a Dark Side of Mothering…

Many of you know my story. I share it because that’s my style. I have little to hide, and more importantly, I am one of those wild souls, unleashed emotionally. I work towards greater emotional control, but it’s my greatest challenge. Fortunately, I tend to ride the winds with love and joy more than hatred or sorrow. But when my grey weathered friends make an appearance, I dig into my shadows, take root and wait for the decomposed emotion I’ve shed to blossom from the internal nature of me again. It’s how I grow.

Today is Mother’s Day. I am a mother who is head over heels and wildly in love with my son. He has been the driving force behind every major decision I have made for nearly eight years. He is the purest love I know. But it took me time to come to this love. Here is my story…

I did not land smoothly into mothering. I was not at all “a natural” and I struggled deeply with adapting to the role. The shock of going from completely independent, to having a small being completely dependent upon me, was awkward and just plain foreign. I never imagined this would happen to me, but it did. I had no idea how I would respond to mothering, until I was a mother. And guess what? I didn’t like it at first. I had no idea this could happen!

It is no secret that I am a devoted yogi. Yoga has set me in a direction where self-reflection is vital. It has taught me that knowing oneself is the key to healing oneself and ultimately being at peace with oneself. I am not in the least bit afraid to be truthful with myself when I am hurting, suffering or dwelling within my shadows. In fact, I am totally enthralled with the journey of self-discovery. I crave the knowing. I am eager to wipe away the illusions of my own perceptions and get to the gold.

That’s why I am not ashamed to tell my story. It’s wild the way we peel layer upon layer of the illusion away, and there, beneath it all, there we are. Once we see ourselves, we are ourselves. And guess what? I am a mother. I am a beautiful, loving, flawed, emotional, creative and imperfect mother. But, because I was willing to dig into the dark side of my mothering, I was able to discover the lustrous side.

For me, I had to learn to be a mother. I wasn’t one of those women who intrinsically knew what to do. So I struggled. I struggled for years. One f the first things I figured out, was that my life, fundamentally, was not family friendly. So when my son arrived, my internal and external worlds collided. Inside I was ready, but outside I felt assaulted. At that point, I knew part of the problem, but how was I going to fix it? So, I began more digging.

I never once accepted that I wasn’t a good mother. I was willing to admit I was struggling with it, but I knew there were layers of conflict and illusion that I had to discover, face and remove. So, I dug deep through meditation, asana, healers, reflection and guided journeys. I went to friends and family, began sharing, crying, falling to my knees, breaking to pieces, picking myself up and trying again. I never once lost sight, that I was a mother, I just needed to get to it. And finally, I dug deep enough to discover the changes I needed to make in my life. It was like the fucking Alchemist when I finally figured it out. All I had to do was go home. So I moved. I moved across the country to the home where I grew up. I moved to be with my mother and my sisters, my tribe. I needed the tribe of women that were most connected to me so that I could connect to my self. They nurtured me and I began to more naturally nurture my son. And although it took time, with my tribe I was nourished. I re-built my life in a way that supported me as a mother.

For those parents out there who can relate even an ounce to my story, you will understand that there was never a lack of love, only a lack of self-identity. It is a scary place to be…but I always knew that love was stronger than fear. I never lost sight of looking within so that I could step into my role as a mother. I loved my son through the depths of my shadows and love him as well in the rays of my light. I will never be ashamed that I needed to grow into the mother that I am. It is a journey that has brought me home…yes the home of my origin, but more so the home of my heart. Today I can celebrate the light and the dark side of my mothering. This journey was intended for me and has made me the mother I am today. Because I took the time, because I did not run away from my fears, but rather ran through them, I am in a place of wisdom and truth. And how proud I am to share these with my son!